Something new, thoughts on PJSK, and gay horses.
Trigger warnings for SA, blood, abuse. Love you, please everyone take care who reads this.
I've been thinking out of some visual novels lately, ones I would like to read. I used to read them all the time whilst hitting the treadmill.
I'd like to do that again.
I'm thinking of reading "Vampire Therapist," and "Robotics Notes: Elite."
Now, Robotics Notes is part of the Sci ADV visual novel series which includes Steins;Gate, Chaos Head, and others. I have mixed feleings about the games sometimes, like they can be some of the worst, most disgusting things ever, just all around awful. However something like Steins Gate is super fantastic, engaging for forever dear to my heart even if it is odd in some spots...I do want to play anonymous;Code at some point.
I also want to finish the visual novel SeaBed, a game like that makes me long and yearn sometimes. I should write a review for that one eventually. Also, I finished Death Stranding 2, I've almost 100% it as well. Seriously, it was one of the bets games I have ever played, the sequel to a game that changed my life, and this one did it again. I said the first game was an "antithesis for suicide."
The second game though, it furthers that idea, I don't have a name for it yet, but I will have it eventually.
I think I will start reading Robotics Notes tonight just because, I will admit....the SciAdv games are always at least fun, they can be a little shlocky sometimes, but they usually have nice messages. Steins Gate also gave me inspiration to do these things called "operations" my company does. Although it is mostly my idea.
Lately, I also have been thinking about that really interesting gambling cute yuri horse loving game "Umamusume"
I had a client at work the other day that I was helping get her "Big Fish Games" back, which is a game launcher she had seemingly lost after a previous appointment she asked me to delete it. She then realized she didn't really want to do that so we were helping her out. All the while waiting for her game launcher to download after I went to her downloads folder, we were waiting. Whilst waiting I was also training a new hire, and I encouraged us to look at pictures of "big fish" to make it download faster. She obvious knew I was joking. On top of this we eventually did get to play and we were testing the games. I played "governor of poker 2" after asking the new hire to suggest a game and after bluffing my way through, the client was like "good job Victoria yay!!" I went all in with her consent and got a big win.
The funny thing though...is we were on the play store and she was like "I'm a gamer," she is a sweet older lady mind you and I was like "look at all of these fun games on the play store." And I saw Umamusume...and I was like joking like "hey how about this uh...uma...masu..mume? uh do you want that game??" in like a joking sense knowing she wouldn't and purposely mispronouncing it like I knew she wouldn't, that was pretty funny. I should play that game, but I think I should stay away form yuri-tastic games for the time being since I am trying not to think about that. The only reason is because been though I still want to meet more people, I still really think I want to move first.
Regardless, I also am thinking about Project Sekai, and yes it's so cute so awesome but it's also yuri-tastic?! One day I will have my yuri-tastic adventures again, although I do like men too.
I was browsing Reddit and seeing some of the PJSK stuff recommended to me and I saw this cute thing.
I have met some new people recently and it has been awesome, but it's still tough for me I guess to do anything beyond that. I tremble at every thought of people touching me, I became too far reminded of how I have been hurt in the past, and by the nine divines I am thinking about it again. I was glad to have a good intimate experience a few months ago, even if that person was super evil, it did at least remind me of what something could be like if I actually felt comfortable. The thing is...for me at least, and I guess for lots of other people too, or I don't know, me loving someone, or the comfort of it...uhm, I don't wanna do anything at all. I just want someone to be cute and pinch my cheek just like that epic ship up there.
I have always hated and felt disgusting whenever someone wants to have sex with me, I never get it. I may get "intimate" but I hate sex...I hate a lot of things involving genitals actually.
Again though, I say that stuff, and it's like almost always someone manages to...coerce me, make me think it's okay, make me think I like it. They weren't all bad people, most were just a bit misguided, but you know I think about it.
I am glad I am trying to meet new people though and it is working, but at the same time I tend to want to stay a little solitary sometimes you know?
Sometimes I like to sit by lakesides and everything. I was playing with lots of fake blood the other day and by the nines I think I have discovered...ethical blood play, I can't believe it! I also learned my new fake blood, whilst in certain prop settings, can look super good, it tastes like strawberry a little, it made me think maybe someday someone can lick it off my face like a dog hehe, I wanna do the same to someone also. I guess that can sound a little weird but I think it can be cute..
I wonder though, sometimes the trials can be too great. I mean today was really really ruff...my poor beautiful puppy cat is sick, she didn't eat or drink at all for a full day. She's quite young too, and an eternal sweetheart! In fact, she's one of the only things that makes this place feel anything like a home.
If she goes, or anything happens to her......I'll still be okay, I'm the strongest, fluffiest hamster in the world, a real class act in hamster town!
Mm...no...
It would be unbearably tough, but this is BEAR blog so let's turn that unBEARable to...super extra BEARable ! _
Mmmmm again though, I had this awful feeling lately though. I still have almost constant, awful nightmares and night terrors nearly every single night, it ranges from me remembering how people touched me or interacted with me before, to getting these bad gag reflexes.
Mm, this may be a correlation though, I really really really hate my room here, I am coming to realize it, it's too big and it makes me feel disgusting due to the size.
At least I thought it was due to the size but I think I know it has more to do with it than that.
I did spend time in a lot of bedrooms as a kid, super small ones, ones so cramped, hotel rooms we all had to cram into to live, but sometimes there was a bigger room. This room I recently realized reminds me of one I had when I was very very little, a room I talked about with a therapist when I was 10.
My mom was an addict back then, but before she was super bad she had 6 figures and stuff, although the place she was working for she felt wasn't right, they weren't good, so she made a moral choice I think.
When I was 10 though, I would see a therapist for a number of reasons, but one big thing was that I was saying, and even knew back then that I was assaulted, or at least touched badly. I remember CPS bringing the chart with them to point where I was touched and they were not very helpful they felt...bad, they did not feel like nice people.
The room I told my therapist it happened in though, it reminds me of this room very much. The thing is though, I do not entirely know if that particular event even happened.
I have always had a very strong avoidance to being touched down there, by myself, by anyone, I have always felt horrified, terrified, etc. There were the talks and speculation I've blogged about before, of what could have happened to me, but the only real concrete times were when I was groomed. Thankfully, most of it wasn't physical. I was always hypersexulized, fetishize as a kid, as an adult, forever sometimes. As a teen, and as an adult, I cannot recall a time where someone fully SAed me though. I have had many many people push me to do things though, and a whole lot of times my boundaries were crossed. However, I still always felt like, they were all mentally manipulated me, making them do these...awful things, calling it cute. There was a time in late 2023 where I was almost probably SAed, but it was again half consensual and that guy was....fuck, he was awful, called himself Bojack. That was....really really bad and scary.
It was numerous grown men online who found my existence "hot." People would emotionally manipulate me, make me feel horrible if I said anything bad, jeez, they all say the same thing. It's when I remember this stuff, how forceful people were to me, over and over, and over for eternity, it really....really makes me want to get into a healthy relationship someday. But again for me, I just want to live somewhere more stable first, living with someone friendly nice, that is more than a relationship to me, I just want the stability.
It's when I remember how bad it was, how awful it was to spend every day devoted to people, to full grown adults, to the staying home for an entire day, never leaving, forever, for what was a prison. One day, again I will return to my old house, but it no longer haunts my dreams as much as it did, I now am reminded just have the disgusting people, all over again, who touched me. I actually fight back now though, when they're pushy, I will fucking kill them. OKay! that's a joke >_< but I do not. mess around anymore, I won't take it, I won't take the people guiding me and guiding me and guiding me to do something, to have sex with them, to just, destroy ANY identity I could have had.
Hesitation in intimacy, yes, it's a very tricky topic to navigate but I know ANY person who had a brain could have usually been able to tell I was not fully consenting. Sometimes it was difficult so again i don't blame them all really. I have said this again and again forever though, these statements, over, and on this blog. I am saying it again because it has been quite painful.
I think all I do really need is a kiss yep...just like PJSK.
I want to pull back the curtain again though...ugh...today, it was a doozy. I mean, going further back though, to....that therapist again. When she had me sketch the room, or maybe she sketched it, that room always did feel bad to me, it always did...but I remember the doctor saying I made it up still. To this day I cannot tell, but PTSD induced false memories are quite real, even more so given I grew up around...all that I grew up around, they were all addicts.
It just isn't a good feeling though, I guess it is also similar enough to my room at a different house, my head is probably blending the two, and even if nothing happened, although I still can't be so sure because my family isn't, I think it was just the general mental darkness surrounding the thing at the time. Whatever happened probably did happen like they think, but it would have been when I was even younger.
Nonetheless, I fight all the time now though, the trials are just harsh sometimes, really....really...really harsh.
One of the worst feelings in the world is thinking you really like someone and then they talk about you like this thing, the idea of sex, the idea of knowing you intimately like that, the, gross, ew, all of it. They fetishise you, make you feel awful...why does it always have to be sex, why can't they just like cuddling and one kiss a week. Again, I still say that and there are times I do really like biting people, making out with them, etc, but it's different, that's way more real then the people who just crave that...I don't know, I don't like it, I don't know if I will ever fulllly enjoy it? I say I do, it's OKAY in the moments, every moment, but it's nothing at all really, it's just so gross.
I just keep remembering everything at night though due to that though, all of it, I only don't like this room because of that. I don't want to feel that awful stuff, ,or that type of hurt, or for people to hurt me.
I have been sitting here staring at this for like three hours, time flew by it is now 12 AM.
I was idly thinking about some things and looking at stuffs
Uhm what was I saying....same stuff I always say and think about but at least this time, I am still slowly moving forward, it just sucks.
The stuff with my cat really did stress me out...long bus ride to work yesterday at a different location while fun! it did take a lot out of me because my cat Sadie was super sick. No one at the vet knew what was wrong with her though, if she doesn't get better, I will look into x rays, probably going to apply for care credit since that all gets pricey and...I went to dentist too. My teeth are epic and perfect but I do need to get two wisdom teeth extracted, it seems I am missing the other 2 or something.
Care credit can help with that and my poor kitty...I have some medicine for her though. I was half awake and tired though, yeah, sleepy, I was staying at my mom's house for a few hours, I fell asleep...I was hazy, half awake, I also took a walk around my childhood park, it was where people would take their kids to play or for the parents to get high. The place is now quite clean, so very different, that's good though for new people.
They still don't want to help addicts though, just push them out, I said that to a friend today, it is true. I will do what I can.
Uhm I should go do something though...I calm myself to sleep every night and one day the quiet furies will be nullified, and I will fell better like a...like a DRAGON! or...hehe a hamster.!
It is, quite rude of me to speak death but one thing I will say is even if my cat has some, tough issues, I love her forever! I hope she will be okay and I will treat her, take care of her, love her...
As for me at night, I do try everything, I was shivering cold this morning too for some reason but my heated blanket saved me, best purchased ever heh. I just need to keep moving forward, which I am. This room may remind me, and make me feel gross sometimes, but that's why I want something smaller...it doesn't ever have to be perfect, it just doesn't have to be here!
I try to relax my mind and tell it my head it will be a-okay! I will be out of here one day and maybe I could try sleeping on the floor, or perhaps moving my bed, it's just the way my bed faces that reminds me of those houses. I do not know but I will be okay.
Take care of yourselves everyone _
- Victoria