"SHOULD WE HAVE CONNECTED?"
Trigger warnings for mentions of csa, self harm, messy childhoods, grooming.
This is another story about pressing on and staying happy though.
The tagline for Death Stranding 2: On The Beach.
I never finished my little review for the first game in the game review section of this blog of mine, but its title should speak volumes to what the first game meant to me: "An Antithesis for suicide."
Currently, it's 6/23/2025 22:04.
I have the special edition..I get to play it two days early!
Oh//but...oh no...I have to wake up tomorrow early....for..work?!?!?! 9 AM?!?!
Ah ,mwahahaha! But no one shall fret...afterwards I get to fully enjoy the experience to myself, I should probably just play with my dad out of sight, and my worst fears physically in front of me, symbolizing the internal becoming external.
I may be the only one who could only claw at the vague notions of existence back then, when every day was a mirror, and my hands could only just barely grace soft fur.
This game will probably be even more of a sort of...literal embodiment against suicide, for living.
I'll play it at night, headphones, and if I may share a private thought with no one in particular.... A game like that, I had many in the endless years I spent not having a childhood, locking myself up for practically 5 years, and even when there was a modicum of movement. I've thought on it immensely as of late, but a certain connection, from a very, very, unexpected place is a thread. I never expected, after so much time, it took 8 years, 8 years of waiting, but was I even waiting? I was just...so glad, and within those 8 years, everything happened.
I was close to or witnessed births, deaths, the unimaginable glow of a high end tv in a cheap, small apartment.
But, 8 years, I'm floored, yes it was a repair job but it was so nice to see him again, and we just got to sit there,and talk...when I was just a kid, an actual kid, but still out as trans, I tried to search. I searched, and eventually found the/an answer. We all did some way or another.
After 8 years, I silently kept a tally, and waited for every which way. I may have been just a kid, but my teeth have always best been suited to tackling anything and everything heads on or with a well thought out approach, which is, uhm, a little contradictory.
Seeing him again though after so fucking long, I never cry, no, I do cry now, and I have been a lot. From every misgiving of my childhood, every drug den we skirted around or dealer we half lived with, from the stark contrasts of my other homes, to what my free time was like, I cry about that.
From every single night that I could or couldn't remember, from every single disgusting and rotten people who turned me into this awful, awful sexual object when I was just a kid, from every photo I took, from the hundreds of grown men I talked to, all when I thought I was being smart, every single time, without fail, they still were getting what they wanted. I can cry about that, and even though I, somehow despite knowing these were evil people, I always thought I could have made a difference, but of course there was no power as a kid. I say it often, but I remember their names, no matter how much they will try to scrub and scrub and scrub their sin, I know what they are, but to be honest, their disgusting nature problem means they're rapists too, or dead, or killed themselves already. I've only been thinking about these awful people lately because I've had some of my past traumas flare up really badly about a month or two ago. I'm not blaming anyone, but, even if I want to throw up, I can think of nights I spent alone at a pier, and the sunset.
I still miss the pier, it was destroyed, it will be rebuilt one day though, which is my favorite cycle in the world.
I used to pick lots of dandelions getting off the middle school bus, which is something I can cry about too. My face in the mirror isn't such a blurry face, and we aren't talking about the shittiest song on the planet either. (heheheheheheheheheheheh, kidding! mwahaha!)
Well, something else I can cry about is games too, Death Stranding being one of the most notable.
What I'm thinking about is...as I still struggle to live with my dad, as I think about him and get sick over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, I still think I will feel better selling so much that I own, maybe it's like a way to fight myself quietly. Perhaps the idea of removing accrued goods leads to that miniature feeling of victory, like I can go roam, like I've turned a junkyard into a meadow. That meadow may have a day and night cycle that changes every second, but it's still a better way to live.
From Icelandic America in the first game to México and primordial Australia, I'm excited to deliver again.
My cat is laying next to me right now, she is so long and warm, she says "I love mom! I always sleep next to mom! yawn//!"
Regardless, I should shower, get ready for work then just sit at the title screen and post about it hehehe...
I suppose looking back on it... "SHOULD WE HAVE CONNECTED?" "WE SHOULD NOT HAVE CONNECTED"
will be revealed in time.
Crying is essential to enjoying a game like this, also for tonight, I just have to give two songs of the night.
One, from Low Roar, who I hope forever rests in peace forever, he died so young, and his music helped save many people, me included, while making Death Stranding forever memorable.
One of my absolute favorites from Low Roar, and as an extension, Death Stranding.
"Don't be so serious" is another one, and the first you typically hear I believe.
The sequel has Woodkid at the helm and...oh wow, his music is absolutely worthy of DS2, it makes me cry just like Low Roar's. The procedueral music in DS2 is exciting as well.
I must share the "main theme" of DS2,
This track rivals some of the highs of the first game, the highest highs if I say haha...I remember what I felt back then when I first played DS, I know what life was like then.
To quote some of my favorite lyrics from "to the wilder"
"if the only path you take's the one you're told So walk away, I'll find you So far away, I'll reach you To the wilder"
"To all the walls that we are meant to break"
"Would you let the wind tell you where to go If you can brave fate and prove it wrong So walk away, I'll find you So far away, I'll reach you"
This song is so fucking good, I don't know what else to say besides I'm ready for Death Stranding 2, I'm ready to live in death again.
"To all the mountains, all the rivers To all the strays, the trailblazers To what it takes to walk forever To what it takes to be who we are"
To the wilder...
I'll see you all on the beach.
I love you, it's always okay to keep fighting, to keep living, take care of yourselves.
??????//
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KZZZZZZZRTTTTTTT
TO ALL CBI MEMBERS! BE WARNED! THE WAR IS APPROACHING WITH GREATER HASTE EACH DAY, THE C.B.I PREVIEW CONTINUES TO APPROACH!
To be continued....