Musically Torn Homecoming - The Television's Static is Denying my Freedom
(I'm okay, but warning for mentions of suicide, blood, parental trauma, SA, all of that stuff. Please whoever reads this, take care of yourself and eat a cute meal with some comforts. Also! This all may sound really sad at times, but remember I stay as positive as possible, and am always looking to do something fun next! Stay happy!) 1....1....1......1......2......2.........2............2..........................2..............3...........................................
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Hello?
Good morning. . ?
This is all too much,,,,, 21:05, 5/5/2025.
This is simply too much.
I would never say that.
I wouldn't dream of it, because I wouldn't dream.
It's about continuing the promise made to keep on living, because even if it ______ _____ _____ ____ ____, time, there's so much time.
As the flags wave in the wind and I wave towards them, why don't I open up the idea of myself and play around with my own body ripped in two, sinew and everything, I can turn them into guitar strings. Strawberries and wind, the wind beside me.
Please, carry me away from here, let the flames of my unrelenting homecoming break the highway of a heart into the sky again.
Have you ever felt truly sick? Has your stomach ever turned into nothing at all? Have you counted your calories every day for years on end and threatened to kill yourself to yourself when one number was off? Has the blood been washed off by the rain? Do riverbanks engage in commerce?
Do I wish to engage in commerce?
Static
Have you ever - - - - - ? ? ?
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ARE YOU READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "If you build it, she will come" - D_Clack, Hatsune Miku
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**Some photos**
The Piano Wasn't there?
Of course it wasn't....I'm so............
< Seeing What Could Have Been Home >
Today I went back to, what I guess was my hometown. I don't consider it that, but after the forlorn chaos of always moving, and being flipped so many ways with so many different types of parenting, I was settled there. I moved super often as a kid, but it was all usually within a 50 mile radius, except for when we were living in Alabama for a little, it was like a vacation in a way, but not entirely.
My hands would drift upwards as the frills among my cuffs fall so slightly downward. I laugh a little, the sun is hitting my eyes just right, and I roll over, coveting the fluffiness of the grass. I close my eyes.
I have done this for centuries, and each time, I get a little weaker, but more and more hopeful. It's not tantamount to the other abilities I possess, but instead something that is always moving, a needle on a chart, on my chart, I can't feel desperation because I don't know what it feels like besides trying to talk someone down.
One day though, when dawn finally breaks, the frills I mentioned from my blouse will not just fall down, but instead fall into a hand, not just my own, neither the clouds, nor the rain, nor the sun, not even the moon, would be able to look away. I'm...going to have that eventually, I'm just a very defensive, picky person when it comes to that stuff, in time, perhaps in Philly. Still, I just like reaching out towards the sun or moon regardless, it's comforting...that impossible distance makes my body feel warm.
Today though, back home, I saw a myriad of paint. I suppose it was like a painting, since my grandma was a painter and would teach me at times, we would paint together rarely. Uhm...I never became a painter though, digital imaging and video editing became my thing, but she would have loved it.
I want to catalogue some parts of the journey though, I think...
Polaroids, analog photos in general, gotta love it. This was at my beloved mall as a kid. I walked around it, empty, but loved. The bouncy floors and everything.....exactly the same, that was fun. That photo does it immense justice too, slightly grainy, dark, but with that hint of sepia which indicates past life; goodbye.
Old park I loved, drain pipe....looked like a nice photo opportunity! Exposure is light and fluffy; dreamlike.
At the end of a very secretive and hidden trail, there was the opening to a church. Open to the public, but with hidden entrances and exits.
Friend took this one, old forest, old house, me sitting down.
Nice to see that place again, the wind was a comfort too, so were the trees and flowers. Those were only a few of the photos though, the Polaroids. Keep in mind, I specifically chose the 600 film packs as compared to the i-type film, as the 600 ones are designed for older cameras, and have an ISO of 800 compared to the 640 of the i-Type film. I wanted "worse" looking photos hehe, more so nostalgic, and it was so hot out you can see it was warping some of the colors...they're sensitive!
They'll discontinue it eventually but...I can enjoy it for now!
Taking photos is lovely, enjoying the breeze is even better, sit down and smile for the warmth within these little actions.
(I want to get this static out of my head for good...I hope this works, next time.)
< Tracing the Leylines, A Digital Camera's View >
I bought my digital camera too, I want to go over some of the photos I took with it.
00:21 now, been uploading those photos steadily, now I can share only a small few of them here, hehe, don't want to share them all, I'd go crazy!
First off, I want to share photos of creatures I got.
pretty.
Hungry guy eating a peanut.
The lizard who ruled over the elephant ears
Bird was almost Icarus, thankfully the sun is above, not below.
Ants! so cute!!!! on fireee!
Different ants saying hi, ! I see how studious they are in their life...wouldn't being an ant just be wonderful?
Fishy! Yay!
Another bird...
Okay! With that out of the way, I will limit myself to only four photos of today, I took so many, and so many were....nice, but I want to limit myself to 6 so I can liike you know,, actually blog.
Haha, this will be tough, but I'll pick six!!!!!!
I will carry you with me.
< Situating Myself >
Let me take a deep breath, my mind is still scrambled, I'm still...ugh I don't want to say it, it's embarrassing, but I am still lonely. I do have my thoughts regarding my photography and dumb thoughts about stuff, like "omg your photos are so good wow let's like hug," Why am I talking like I'm 12 again >~<. I don't even like people touching me but I guess I do sometimes, I simultaneously want to be held and to hold someone again, but I keep pushing myself away from all of it entirely, the idea makes me sick, but it's not even that...it's just about other people I suppose. I a, not fond of almost everything that is "traditional" in relationships, queer or not, although I guess it's just good boundaries after never having any forever. It's tough for me, and I guess it's even tougher for me to instigate anything, but blegh, it makes me sick...just the way everyone acts or expects to act, always wanting something...or wanting to touch me, what if I just want to kiss and then just fall asleep near someone! Yeah It's common, but goodness, I've tried to find people, but bleh....too much...they all talk...strange.
I'm so defensive in anything regarding that, and then I also suddenly seem like I really "enjoy" that stuff, when I guess, stuff happens. It's less so that, or pleasing someone else, and more so I guess just feeling comfortable. All within time, but I do get really cold at night like anyone does. I won't ever let my guard down regarding any of that stuff again though, I can't. I also don't compromise my morals for someone, now that would just be awful. Compromise is entirely needed for a relationship, but the second people start saying certain...awful things, it's time to go. I mean that's what I did back then, and I did it over the years.
Thinking about all of it though makes me head spin...I just hate I guess, how people "view" me when they're like...wanting something. I just want to exist, platonic or romantic, It's tough, and it doesn't bother me really lol, but I guess if I was ever "involved" with someone again, I am very defensive. My morals are a bit rigid and I hate how people "look" at me in stuff like that, it all goes back to gender again, being with someone who is gnc or at least likes to experiment with gender or just using their name like I do will be the best goal. After all I shouldn't be so picky, >~< I just want to protect myself.
As for the matter at hand though, today was a lot of good, a battle indeed, but a great one, fortuitous and with lots of snake venom. I do not yield to anything rotten, but will do what I can to spread kindness, silliness, and heh, a whole lot of hamsters!
The flag of the Snakeskin Battalion will flow on...fureveer!!!
Haha....
I'm going to _____ ______ ____ ____ ___ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ of you away.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> < Musically Torn >
My hands and fingers crave the dexterity that once graced piano keys everywhere. They move with grace, and muscle memory. My chest beats, and my heart thumps.
I want to play again, I was great at it. I will play again, in time. I need to rid myself of much of the inventory surrounding me, send them off peacefully and with love.
My town, what's actually mine? Mine.
Incoming....Life is Strange OST on keyboard ...
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> < Philadelphia and Suicide >
I've had many memories in my life despite my age. I've seen it all as others may claim.
Philadelphia, I'll be there soon.
Every time I've been away from home, I always get a strong urge to kill myself for some reason.
It's just because of who I'm living with, I still don't hate him at all though, I just want to get out of here and live with someone nice I can cook for, and let myself get kissed once a week since I would run away otherwise if there were more!
Ah but Philly....I don't want that to happen when I'm there, I won't do anything like that. I will do everything in my power to stop that. I do not feel that urge ever really, and I will always be positive. Something like that will never happen but even if it did I wouldn't tell people, my last messages would just be cheerful, and hopeful to everyone, telling them to live and smile a lot, no guilt tripping or anything. I wouldn't ever do that though, but the mere suggestion of me having already thought about something like that may be concerning to people. I'm okay! I promise!
Going there solo was my original plan, then I went back on it, then now, I am going to end up going solo regardless, oh goodness! I will fight the fight of my lifetime though, currently planning my travel list and log for each day, gotta figure out transit, but I will.
I will have fun, and smile lots, as everyone should! I wonder what cute stores I can find there too...I gotta research it tonight!
I talked a decent amount....
I'm pretty tired though.
I really love anyone who reads this, even if I go back and forth on wanting these to be private or not...
Take care of yourselves everyone!!
- Victoria, 887, Lavinia