I'm so scared. (1/14/2024)
This is the return I was waiting for; it's the New Year. It is another pilgrimage.
What am I scared of?
I'm scared of everything.
and yet I am scared of nothing.
Tonight however, I am terrified.
I am blaring my music; right now When the Sun Hits by Slowdive, what stupid sense of pride am I holding onto? Is it hubris? guilt? Is it everything? Is there nothing more to it?
I'm so terrified.
Right before writing this, I was wanting to head to sleep; go to bed, rest. But then something horrible happened, nothing that kind of horrible but something that happens all the time, my music cut out for no reason and I was left in silence.
The loudest silence known to exist.
I'm scared.
Every night I go to sleep I'm scared, when I wake up I'm scared, I abhor this anguish, and its suffering.
This has nothing to do with the pilgrimage, but everything.
Will this be my ticket out? If I put myself out there...finally, can I be free? Freedom means many such things for many people, for me? I have multiple definitions but the one I want now more than anything, is the freedom to see.
See as in, see everything.
I'm the happiest I've been and that's because of the people I'm around, so grant me this freedom, grant my eyes new flesh to see beyond the barrier, the walls. Give me this freedom.
But it hurts so bad. It hurts really bad.
I'll make it sometime, but I'm a little bit scared.
"and a hopeful smile..."
I love all of you, take care of yourselves.
- Victoria/887