A Park, and days gone by.
I had a nice day today wandering that park, albeit it was marred with two notable hiccups I will mention down the line!
Oh, and to note, it is 23:04 right now, so, almost a new day, and then the work week starts again, 10 am tomorrow! I am excited to head back "Into the bounty of the forest" (what I call clocking into my job)
As for my little journey though, I left around 16:30, and made it to the park around 17:00.
At first, I strolled into the butterfly garden, and preceded to the bench tucked away in the back, sat down, and took in the natural beauty of the environment. No butterflies were present though sadly...but it is that time of the year after all.
After basking in the light like it were a bench in Hollow Knight, I made my way to the dog park!
But, first, I saw a curious boardwalk next to the park I hadn't explored yet.
Stepping over to it, I was greeted by what seemed to be run off from the nearby river, or perhaps, something else? I'm unsure but it was a neat sight.
As for the actual dog park part of Hammock Park, it was as pretty as always, with dogs playing across the sprawling field, and the clear, sunny sky, and just imagine...green everywhere, stretching out practically endlessly, besides the orange leaves of course.
I may drum up all the C.B.I stuff to be ultra important, but for those who know me past the walls I put up, they know why I go to that park. Obviously not for some made up "Snake Pit." but just to escape from it all, it's calming.
The actual snake pit is just fancy words for what happened back then. For those who know, you may remember, and for those who don't? I'll probably drop the pretense at some point and explain it, but man, do I love doing all the C.B.I writing and stuff hehe.
Back on topic, I wanted to forage for some mushrooms perhaps, and so I waltzed around the park, checking the pier, snapping some photos here and there, but then, I ran into the first hiccup.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------(animal abuse and child abuse warning, and some talk of my past trauma. you can skip if you don't want to read.)
When I emerged back form the pier, I heard yelling somewhere in the distance just about southwest of me.
There was a man yelling very angrily at what I assumed was his dog, and although I was nowhere near them, it made me feel really really sad, and really uncomfortable, as he was straight up screaming, causing the other people in the park to look over at him.
The words he said were filled with such vitriol that I almost instantly started to tear up, as they reminded me of my childhood, being yelled at for not being perfect in every standard.
I forgave my mother a long time ago, as she was just a kid back when she had me too, so I don't really fault her that much, and I do love her, I just can't help but remember the yelling, and feeling like I was forced into perfection, even if that was never stated.
But more importantly, I was worried about the man and the dog, because he threw whatever he was holding down in frustration as the dog wouldn't listen to what he was saying, and he used such awful vulgarities. I hope the poor doggy is alright, and that whatever is clearly eating at that man to be lifted from his shoulders, as he was clearly projecting.
I wish them both peace, love, and happiness.
But for me though...hearing that and feeling tears welling up in my eyes, I wanted nothing more than someone by my side at the moment, I felt the dread of my surroundings and wanted to be loved more than ever before.
Now, I did push that particular emotion down, and I have good coping skills now, but it did shake me a little bit as much as I hate to admit it. I do yearn to hold my friends again though, that Indiana trip is going to be so mice. But, after that, I went back to admiring the beauty of nature again, and wishing those two well.
Further into the dog park I came across some curious looking mushrooms, kneeling down, I set my backpack aside and grabbed my gloves along with my Ziploc bags.
I picked them in the park as cute doggies played around me, it was very nice. What was not nice though is that as I left the park and made my way onto a nearby trail, I wanted to ID the mushrooms I picked first.
Sitting down on a bench just outside of Osprey trail, a marsh like area full of marsh grass and mangroves, I pulled out the bag of mushrooms and IDed them.
I eventually came to the conclusion that the mushrooms I picked were the "False Parasol."
For context, these do grow around the part of Florida I live in, and do tend to grow from decaying grass and etc, like the changing seasons.
For more context, they are poison! And a human eating one won't kill them outright, but knock them out of commission.
For a poor doggy though? Well, from what I read, them eating it had a very lethal prognosis. This discovery prompted for me to rush back to where I picked the mushrooms and try and pick the rest so no dog would fall ingest such a dangerous mushroom.
Yeah, there's a chance I IDed it wrong, but, through the colony of mushrooms there, and some being at different stages of growth, they all resembled different stages and gills of the False Parasol. Oh, and the reason they're called false if because the real Parasol mushroom looks similar, except, it is safe to eat.
It's funny also with mushroom names, like, you have "Parasol" mushroom, then "Destroying Angel," a lethal mushroom for even people which should never be handled. I thought for a moment I may have found a growth of destroying angels, but thankfully I am nearly 100% it was False Parasols.
Proud Jade Harley kin moment, I protected the doggies, at least I hope so hehe, either way, it was good to clear those ones out of the park, even if they were harmless, for it could have encouraged more growth in that area.
After my little escapade at the dog park was over, I moved onto Fern trail, where the Snake Pit incident occurred.
I waded past the dog park, through the osprey loop, by the playground, hopped onto Skinner Trail and began the trek by the river, spotting a spider web just chilling on the side of a metal bridge.
I cleared my mind and walked forward.
The entrance to Fern trail is in two places,
Skinner trail is one of the big main trails which has several splinters into the surrounding growth, and Palm trail, which is a wide trail enclosed by Palm trees...
When I arrived at my destination, the second hiccup happened.
(child abuse warning, and I go deep into my past trauma, skip if you do not want to read. I write these warnings just in case, although exposure to uncomfortable stimuli is the key to uprooting trauma and reclaiming what you once lost, I still believe warnings are necessary, and the healing process is different for everyone, so there is no need for me to, unwarranted, talk about triggering topics.)
Sitting on a bench just outside Fern trail and under the shade of a nice tree, I was poking around my phone, and what I assume to be a family be were walking by.
Two kids, and two adults.
What I would assume to be the mom said something along the lines of "this is what we call a learning lesson" to what looked like a younger kid.
trailing behind both adults was another kid, who mimicked what the mom said, which then caused her to yell at the kid quite harshly, with a very angry tone. I just sat there of course, listening. The kid in the back started crying and crying, whilst what I assume to be the dad tried to console him.
Now...this is a very complex topic, but, suffice to say it also reminded me of more than a few memories from my childhood.
The times where I was struggling to navigate the world in my youth and I'd be yelled at or reprimanded, and have people around me not really know how to "handle," me. I remember crying and just wishing someone could tell me it would be okay.
That is to say, that is exactly why I do the same to my friends, and my little brothers of course. They don't need to go through what I went through, and they won't.
As for the situation I witnessed, I do not know the full context of course, but I wish everyone involved nothing but the best and love. If I see a situation like that in public though, sometimes I do intervene if I have enough context, considering that I am somewhat of a mother myself, but, parenting does differ so it leaves me conflicted.
If I could, I would try to never raise my voice at my child, but to offer the best I can as an authoritative parent.
For those who don't know, in psychology terms, there are four parenting styles.
Permissive, Authoritative, authoritarian, or uninvolved.
Permissive is what I had when I was at my grandma on my dad's side's house as a kid. I was loved and warm, fed well, and had no rules. I would swim in the pool for hours alone, dreaming of giant waves crashing down around me and just having fun. Hehe, I still do that now when I play in water, it's fun, I just wish someone else did it with me, but I do not lament this. I remember the light shining down my impossibly to large of a room, and waking up...and my grandma's paintings strewn across the kitchen table, and trying to do yoga or anything really. A permissive style of parenting is where a child doesn't have many rules, and one where things are more free. There are positives and negatives to this style.
Authoritative, I have not experienced this one myself, or well, I have possibly, but it is complex. It is a mixture of permissive and authoritarian styles. Parenting styles all typically fall in line with the psychology approach of behaviorism, which is heavily flawed in it of itself, but, we can learn from these at least. The truth is of course, there is no one way to parent, and these boxes that were created aren't so fitting.
Authoritarian is something I despise. It is hard for me to compliment this box of a parenting style when I remember it bringing me nothing but tears and loneliness. For example, I experienced this when at my mom's house as a kid. She is no bad person by any means, she was just a lost soul at the time, but I can remember how painful things were at times, even when I tried to love my mom. I remember being told I was a liar and getting spanked until I "told the truth." That was one standout moment I can never forget, and I was not physically abused often, but I did fear my mom. She also had untreated BPD when raising me, which was a large factor in many of her mistakes, but once again, I love her and forgave her a long time ago. It is hard for me to say there are benefits to this style, but I suppose something can be learned I guess. After all, there is no box for parenting, these are just names to actions.
Uninvolved parenting though, is something we can easily observe, and nothing good can ever come from this. In my own personal case, this was what I experienced when living with my dad. It's awful, and no one wants to feel like that. Still, like with my mom, I have learned to love my dad, for his upbringing he was never prepared to raise a kid, nor was he able to take care of himself. Nowadays, I still am pretty distant to my parents, and I feel more like a friend at times, but, they both need love and support, and if I can ensure the next generation has that, and does not suffer like I did, then I'll be happy.
After all, forgiveness is the worst form of punishment, and it is a form I will never stop employing, people deserve love.
============================================================================= After I let the family pass by, I stood up and walked along Fern Trail.
Years ago, the trail was a no go zone for most visitors to the park, it was wet, damp, and hard to maintain.
It was only when the Friends of Hammock raised a $250,000 investment effort to clean up the trail and preserve its natural beauty when it would be traversed often.
That effort by the way, was to established a long, winding, quarter mile long boardwalk over the foliage.
It was a success, and now, Fern trail is one of the most wonderful sights of the park.
You see, Ferns don't reproduce like normal plants, they're more like mushrooms, releasing spores and requiring wet land to thrive, henceforth, a raised boardwalk would preserve the natural bounty of the forest.
I set foot upon that wooden trail, my slip resistant shoes clacking with each step against the wood.
This trail was home to many memories of mine, still, no one has ever walked it with me.
I digress, but I walked, and walked...
"The Snake Pit," was just off the trail according to the world I made up.
In reality, it's all ferns, which are lovely in themself.
I hopped off the trail, the leaving the canopy of oak and the surroundings of fern to palm trees, and then, to one big oak tree in front of a bench shining by itself in the light.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------That is where the trail ends, but, it is also where a new one begins.
I named the trail "Meadow Trail" after the small tuft of meadow just before the trail, and, it is where the C.B.I "lab," resides.
It is really just a neat little spot hidden in the woods though, great for a picnic.
Well, past the do not enter sign and down the trail eventually landed me back on the main road...and so I set my sights back home annnnd
here I am again.
I'm so tired now...it is 00:30, this felt so cathartic though, I love you all, thank you.
Take care of yourselves.