Gathering The Sky Itself
5-20-2025 00:45 Hiiii... (Mentions of self harm, but not in a trauma dumping way but to show growth and that um still here)
Song of the night: "Fighting Starlight" - Benton Falls "Regular Every night Regular But I won't fight you What if I don't care?"
It's almost 1 am...kind of like project sekai, like, 2500
I work the next four days, I work and then soon. how many days? mm, 13 days left? two weeks? before I go on that trip?
Self portrait, no filter hehe blehh :3, just playing with the way my camera detects light.
Hah, I'm tired. My hands are receptacles for feeling, even if I couldn't even touch anything forever.
I had a memory resurface tonight.
Of furiously scrubbing blood out of the carpet, off of counters, off of marble floors, my blood.
I wanted it to happen sometimes back when I was a foolish kid. I remember I couldn't do anything to get the blood out of the carpet no matter how much I tried; eventually bleach did the trick, but I wasn't the one who really did it.
I lived with those bloodstains on the floor for months. I wanted them to stay there.
When we had to move, they were forcibly cleaned up, which I was like okay good.
Before that, we tried bleach, but I remember it was still stained, I had lost so so much blood, even if I couldn't feel a deep cut like that, even if it was only half intentional for me to be cut that night, I wanted it to happen but didn't intend for it.I just remember looking down and there was blood everywhere....on the counters, on the floor, everywhere.
I would never go back to such a languid state of existence, it isn't healthy, even if it didn't really hurt me?
maybe this blog can save me words, since I am so verbose already.
Just some random photos, the one where I'm holding the phone was to show the stark contrast in my arms compared to my pale legs lol. >_<
What did I actually come here to say though?
I'm unsure, but maybe it was just because I was remembering. I really should finish up my whole thing though, that one blog from a bit ago.
It was just me going over various scenarios of whenever I move one day, what could happen.
Perhaps humming often is the key, lottttttss of humming.
Please take care of yourself...I'm realllllly tired. My past, and all those thoughts of a sanguine nature, they can take care of themself too. These memories will never just be in vain, I'm still here, and you are too, whoever is reading this, good job. __ ! It will always get better.
bye bye
- Victoria