C.B.I Sanctum

End of Week 6(6?), Day 5 + Ruminations on the Ebb and Flow of it all + BONUS! Tales from the health store...

2:32, it's 2:32 AM.

(the song for this post will be the past time by novectacle, on repeat, and necto nedio by novectacle)

(a warning again, this whole post will go in depth to everything about me, and feature talks about many matters. Also, about crying, abandonment, and vague wording.

Please read at your own discretion, I love you all.)

I'm sitting here again with my laptop, and am ready to type out another long, long blog post.

Where to begin?

I will begin with a conviction that's been rattling around my brain for some time.

I enjoy all aspects of life, pain and suffering, bliss and happiness, love and regret, I take them all with me with warmth and open arms, hence, I romanctize these little moments.

At my job, and at others, when the sun rolls down and closing time draws near, there is something I just can't help but love about it all. (Autistic people try their best to not find a way to rationalize overworking themselves. I am kidding, because I do feel better than ever actually hehe.)

My closing duties from job to job have varied greatly, but I have never worked at a place as large and spacious as the one I work at now...even though it isn't that big at all hehe. I like it though.

Something has been getting to my core as of late though, but in a happy, sanguine way, in the most sublime and evocative way possible.

When I do my run at the end of the day, and open the back door which leads to the parking lot, it is just right before sundown,

and as the soundwaves reach my ears, as it washes over me, I feel at ease.

I do not hold the past as closely as I used to, for my eyes do face the future with a smile, carried by the knowledge of the past to guide me.

Be that as it may, I still must look back, I am still new, but already each time I open that door and hear the sounds of the city, A thousand memories wash over me; not like a flood, but as a gentle embrace.

To the left is that impossibly large building, even though it is normal, filled with memories of graduation and fleeting vehemence.

The right is the path I have walked countless times over, with or without company.

In front of me is the trail I hold close to my heart.

I love the way it's all tied together, the cool air in the store, the lights above, and how much space I have to roam...it's so silly I bet to hear this about a health grocery store, but, something as little as this means everything to me, if my grandma hadn't passed months ago, she would have loved to see me so happy, she would have.

It makes me happy though, I would like to cry, but I would prefer if I was in the presence of someone else to do so. I will wait for that time to come.

I can cry right now, but I do not find it preferable the way I have pent up these emotions. I know of how bad it is to hold it in, and that relying on one other for comfort like that can be shameful, but I would only ask if I could cry in another's presence if it is alright.

I do have the right skills as well to cry on my own, but I do not want to do that for much longer personally, even if all my friends are far.

To reformulate...

Seeing that sight out from the door fills me with joy in a strange way, that after everything, with each job, I etched closer to the heart of the city that I once wished would see me.

I now have ended up paradoxically at a place so close to those people who I once looked up to, and as it wills, I forged my body in ash to rise past those notions, now, I am just a person, not seeking the validation of others, but instead granting love and belonging to those who need it.

Another feeling comes to me when I open up the mop closet, as I stand there waiting for it to fill, I sometimes gaze out the window just outside it. I was once wandering these streets at night, seeking refuge from myself, even if I didn't do anything, I had a home then, and I do now, but it was never home then.

I made it mine.

The sound of running water is another comfort, from the dish sink, to the mop bucket that I fill, I feel different each time.

My first job, it was nothing, just a bucket, at the second one, it was a moment of respite and was tucked away in the back of that tiny little dishwashing area,

now, it feels much more worthwhile.

Overheard conversations and people full of vigor and life, how divine hehe.

I leave with a smile unlike what I had before, and I look to the sky just as I once did to avoid looking at the ground, but now, It is with adoration.

"I slept all through the day All through the night All through this year All through this life All through the day All through the night All through this year All through this life Now cold arms pull the covers tight And bad boring dreams all come true And it's all long goodbyes And it's all long goodbyes Death will come slowly now"

Thanks for everything, but, I have made my leave.

"Wake up, pass out, fall down Comb your hair Take a long, long look in the mirror You smiled when you lied about all of your feelings I hope to god none of this comes true Because one eye is shut And the other one is completely crushed Death will come slowly for you Slowly for you"

Rest peacefully my dear, the future is waiting.

"And it's all long goodbyes"

By all means, farewell, I will not dwell in the past as I used to, it's time to build my rep in the health store, is it not? Goodbye,

and take care of yourself angel.

(this little dialogue here is just a message to the me of the past, the one who was struggling to find a foothold, may you rest peacefully in the night, and may nothing bad, ever come to you. It'll be okay, Victoria's got you... <3)

I once had a pit in my stomach when thinking about that place, the brewery, but like all matters, it is merely a cycle. I force myself to be scared, to face my fears, to embattle myself with pain to emerge stronger than ever, and it has worked, time and time again, and now, I see that poor child wanting someone, or anyone to help her.

I've got her now though, for she is me, and I am Victoria.

Victoria is me, and Victoria wouldn't be anything but happy if Victoria saw me now.

As for the nature I was speaking of, I enjoy my walk home,

my first job was too long, about 40 minutes to an hour of walking.

my second job could be seen right from my house...only a 5 minute walk, way too short.

But now? 15 - 20 minutes, it is so perfect it makes me full of bliss.

It's a wonderful, wonderful, tender little thing...

Thank you to you all.

I will now move onto a much different topic, "Tales from HEALTH STORE..."

Another collection bound in an ancient tome....of stories from the store...of health!

It was a cold night manning the deli at the health store...it was seemingly quiet...with no signs of life...except, ah, a customer!

Finally!

Jotting down their order, I ran to the sandwich station, and...whilst making the sandwich...someone...or...SOMETHING....

loomed from afar.

There! There it was!

Crawling up from the depths of nowhere...a green, leaf shaped bug somehow made its way into the innermost corner of the building.

I was all like, "oh...my...meow..."

and the bug was all like, "sup."

Now I, of course, le cruel smirk(ed) all over that bug, and did what any sane deli worker would do....heh...that's right...I!

................

picked it up and put it in a little cup and left it outside so he would have a happy life!

It did not get in the way of my sandwich making either, as we closed in about 30 minutes, and the sandwich was on the press.

Doing some research, considering I live in Florida, I believe it was a "southern green stink bug," a cutie for sure, but not allowed in the grocery store!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They eat plants!!!1 We have a lot of leafy stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably it somehow got stuck on my shoe and followed me to work since that's what happens when I wade through tall grass...

Much like the "Stroller of Death" incident, this one was similar.

So you see, there I was, meowing my own business in the deli...and...in the corner of my eye... something...EVIL...was lurking...

A horrific BEAST was being tolled around by its familiar. (a customer had one of those strollers for cats or small dogs, and there was a super cute kitty cat in this one!!!!!1)

The master, (the cat) told the human familiar to head to the deli, where she would ask for a milk smoothie, heh, I know when someone is trying to sabotage a kitty cat, I'll save you meow meow!

So, using my catgirl purrrrrrrrrrrrrowess, I made the milk smoothie, "without any milk...."

Catgirls like me and cats like that must stick together. meow smirk (these asterisk things are ironic by the way meow I swear! also hi max if you read this, this event has purrobably been the catalyst for me buying Sadie a cat stroller, meowahahahaa!!!!!)

In reality, of course I made the smoothie normally and gave it to the customer lol.

A short one, but a rather frazzled customer came in, and, I did my best to ensure they were well attended to and taken care of, and they said something so sweet to me.

They said something along the lines of, "I just wanted to say I love your voice, it's so calming, and I've been so frazzled lately."

It was nice to hear that, although I modulate my voice often for purrsonal reasons and fur fun, I know which one I was using then, and I am glad it helped calm this person down. They were very nice too, and I wish them well, in fact, I wish all customers well, even the mean ones, for they deserve love too.

I don't have much of an entry fur this one :333333333333333 ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................

:3.

uhm............ :3

I had to make three sandwiches that took a while becuase of our monthly special. :3 that's it :3, they looked really tasty though....I love makig sandwiches, it is just this special takes the longest out of purrobably everything there. :3

I am kidding! This tale is just about the monthly specials in general, I just wanna say how much I love the fact that this place does that.

Next month we're getting a chicken parm sandwich, and oh my gosh that's going to be so tasty, it makes me so happy.

Plus a...pumpkin spice smoothie? I am unsure about that one but...I will give it a try, purrobably like one of those Like a Dragon minigames...

I just love the flow of it all...and the changing months and seasons...it makes me happy.

At the end of the night, much like my coworker/friend does, I like to grab some of what we would normally donate or send to waste.

I tried a veggie breakfast burrito, confusing it for the much much tastier vegan breakfast burrito.

That was my mistake...:DING!:

the evil toaster oven said, then suddenly, "the creature, knife guy, and meat wor-" wait what?

Anyways, "DING!"

It did not taste that good, but there was a free dreamy chocolate pie that was going out of date and that was so super good...meow!

I believe that's all for now, 3:59 AM, make a wish! ... ? Ah, that's not how it works...hehe.

I know the juxtaposition of the tales from the grocery store and my opening message may be a bit jarring, but I did want to give some warning beforehand.

As always though, even if no one reads this, I love you all, and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

If anyone wants to email me fur any questions or just to talk about anything, it is

vhanrahan42@gmail.com

Otherwise, take care dears.

/// Time to go to sleep and change my life /// (from time to mix drinks and change lives)