Bookmark for my future
(mentions of drugs, childhood abuse)
13:38, Thursday.
I attended a meeting for my college's honors program today, and learned quite a lot. It got me thinking....well, and also I was glad they brought up their free narcan program too, that was very sweet. But above all, I learned of something so, so cool...
There is this program my college is doing..it, sounds so exciting, so perfect, so beyond what I want out of everything in life. My college is doing this spaceflight initiative, where one chosen experiment will get to go to the ISS and will be launched from the Kennedy Space Center! It has always been my dream, ever since I was so young, ever since I struggled to walk in the presence of those around me, I always had these big dreams, fixated on space and all. I love it, the technology behind it, the more we learn each day...and so when I found out my school is running a program where someone is guranteed to win and get their micro gravity experiment sent into space, launched directly from the Kennedy Space Center, my heart started beating so fast.
More than likely I won't be able to actually compete in the program, you need a certain professor to sponsor your group, and most of all, you need a group! >~<
Hell, even if I had some friends, we may not even design a micro gravity experiment but it just warms my heart nonetheless.
(literally me in the image above showing my excitement to send something to space)
But even with that being said, as long as I participate in the program in some capacity, to "some" degree, I will feel fulfilled. My..silly, but absolutely truthful dream is to one day work for NASA! It's not the dream a lot of us had as kids...where I want to be an astronaut, oh dear, not that. I would just love to be working in their information security department though, as they have tons of IT jobs. To be so close to something so far away...it's kind of romantic to me. I still don't even know if I know what any of that means either but I guess it has me thinking about all of this in general?
Well, anyways, the winning team doesn't have to be the ones who just watch the launch, but the rocket launch for the winners is happening next June! It will be so exciting to watch the launch next year, I believe they said it'll be in late June...and then the return flight is about a month later! On top of this, this program did also mention lots of offers I get for this honors society I'm in. Anyways..it's really exciting. For me, space, the distance, and everything we don't know, just like the ocean, it feels so impossible it becomes possible again. It's like reaching my hand out up to the sky, which I've done for so many reasons, namely it's just to feel something, to extend myself but there's always more to it.
Nevertheless, I'm going to attend the meeting and also work with the people in charge of the program so I can watch the launch and experiments. I think you are encouraged to bring a friend or something too? I do not know, but nonetheless going to that space center again is already on my list, and perhaps I will get to commingle with some of their scientists, at least talk to them. That's the part of "networking!" as they say haha!
(^ literally me, robotics notes elite is so good, and so friendship let's build robots and watch space launches)
Ah, but also the other day I was speaking with my main advisor, for my internship class, wow! I was given tons of new info, lots of opportunities and he was so friendly, amazing professor for one, and he said that I could drop by his classes any time. He heavily suggested I join the women in cybersecurity program for tons of rewards and stuff too...I should do that right? My eyes are glued to the sky, rocket trails, aerodynamics, they sit within my heart, I carry them with me, and I should take these opportunities, no?
He showed me some amazing resources though and did commend me, I'm trying to be a bit more active this semester, and in general on campus. I network good enough already, but can do so much better. I'm quite good at all this business stuff heh...
One reason I do it so much though is because I want to try and future proof myself as much as one can in this current economy. I like to have at least 1,000 in savings just in case for emergencies, and hopefully one day with enough money saved, I will be able to move out. It could be with myself, could be with someone else, could be longer or shorter than I think, but the truth is that "I could be miles away by sunrise."
Tragedy is inherent to life, that much is certain and all that, but I will keep fighting, keep powering through.
This whole space thing in particular though, it reminds me of when I went there as a kid, when I was super young....that place was huge, lots of rockets, and ..so pretty.
I can't wait to go back one day, and watch that rocket launch next year, I hope the winners are super happy!
It's even on my cork board as one of my guiding objectives!
My fluffy bear used to have a helmet but he's soooo old neow >_< He hasn't had it in a long time. I love my little bear though. When I was so young, i think I went with my grandma, on my dad's side. I can't remember too much, but I think it was before my mom got really addicted to all this awful stuff, the stuff which made her act so "weird," all the time, and quite horrible. I've been thinking so much about that lately too, I actually had a lot of questions for her about it and she answered..about all the stuff she used to do, why she did it. I was thinking about it all lately for a number of reasons, but I'm glad she's so far away from it all. I don't hold back either when talking to her, I tell her how she made me feel, how horrible it was, all the awful, crowded terrible places we lived in, how weird she acted when she was using, she listens though, at the least. I will always wish her well.
Anyways, this post is kind of like a bookmark, right?
I love my blog for letting me get all these thoughts out. Plus, no one can contact me on here which is so great.
But, with everything my CSEC advisor said, just sitting in his class to learn, garner opportunities, it reminded me again of that I guess, friendship thing?
Lately, I've also been thinking about people who like, try to really project these awful ideas onto someone. I mean, this might sound like an ODDD pivot, but..it;s so weird? I mean, I still can't tell sometimes if I'm aromantic and asexual, and some people would probably sit there and tell me a million times over, like the asshole they are, that it is because I am not comfortable with some part of myself. Gods, I remember how angry I made people when I would tell them I don't know if I experience that stuff sometimes. However, I have been happy and comfortable with myself for a very, very long time, but yet with each passing day, I seem more and more repulsed by certain things, for me, there is no correlation there at least. Above all though, what does upset me, would be people who still will try to argue against that forever and ever, it's not respectful in the slightest. Those people disgust me, and yet in my past I still let them have their way with me, continuously, for almost what felt like a lifetime.
I don't let it happen anymore, at all, they disgust me, I just hope they find some form of peace, and learn to stop being so fucking awful, I knew a lot of people like that.
Anyways, I am great at all that business stuff, and the saving up for an eventual move, but still, I tend to feel a little strange sometimes. Well I mean, I don't know? I just don't like it here, don't feel very safe, I don't feel very happy. (except I am super happy, just not much when I'm here)
Sometimes I sit around and....think really...really hard. I mean I'm comfortable with myself, but there's really only two people I have ever fully been comfortable with, maybe that's what it is? It's tough for me to be comfortable around people though...for a lot of reasons, I can talk a lot, but I don't feel interested to really be friends with a lot of people sometimes.
I am ready to find some place that feels like home, but it's gonna take lots of fighting heh, so much, so, so, so, much.
It'll be some sort of glorious battle, with lots of hacking, or something. (whut am i even saying.....(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄))
I don't know, I think it does kind of circle back around to stuff I've talked about on here. At least for me, it is very tough to.. you know I really don't know.
Take care of yourselves everyone.
Victoria
SONG OF THE DAY
"Marigold & Patchwork - The Appleseed Cast"
"Forever turns out just the same as two months That rages on then after"