Awakening past daybreak + Take care of yourself
11:39, I am awake now.
I really only learned what take care of yourself means recently, at least in my own interpretation of it.
Before I would showcase risk taking behaviors and avoiding basic tasks to heal myself just in the hopes of reaching some idea of happiness, but, when you struggle every morning to find a pair of socks and to keep yourself sorted out, that should be when you know something needs to change.
For work, I am ensuring I have an extra surplus of clothes, and although I am not quite there yet, the money isn't being spent on silly little things.
Learning to buy the mouthwash I need, and to not rot from the inside out everyday is another step, loving yourself is important.
Of course, estrogen gives me the body I desired and it is still actively doing the silly work it does. I can be somewhat androgynous at times if I wanted to be, being femme presenting is typically what I do and I do not mind it, but when I am more masc presenting I only want to do that around those I trust of course.
Steps on taking care of myself for 2023 though? Not overburdening the past self.
I originally wanted to take a gap year for college, but as Summer left and Fall began to roll around, I set my sights on once again "harming" myself through the act of putting much work on my shoulders.
This Summer was something I will never forget, I won't let myself forget, I will not let the company forget, and I will not let them forget. Therefore, I am choosing to take care of myself.
For now, my sights are set on sticking to working full time and learning to live with and organize my environment more lovingly and thoughtfully, after all, as much as I love my intricately designed room, it was designed at the beginning of the May 15th incident, and so, It will go from what I have now to a more business look, still keeping all my lovely and silly plushies though, I love them, they are not leaving! They're my friends.
Back on topic, I like my job and coworkers and have once more started to find that all too difficult to grasp foothold on friends in the area, ones who get it, and, funnily enough, I have never meant people like this in person before, ones who are so; that much in...getting it? It is refreshing, it's like everything...and it means everything.
Even though the S.A.V.E protocol killed the past so I wouldn't fixate on it as much, I still flash a wistful smile from time to time.
I have always been a happy and silly girl, and that's a key aspect of my selfhood that will never change, along with sanguinity. I want to make people as happy as possible, but not in the self destructive people pleasing sense like the past, but in a more holistic and safer way.
I will make sure I have everything I need first, underwear, nope, I need more bras but I struggle to grasp the sizing often...and the estrogen makes things a bit more difficult in that regard.
I just despise having to wash my clothes right before work because I don't have enough, so, ergo, I chose to take care of myself by getting more clothes.
The simple little ways in which you can love yourself are important, so don't forget that. Sanguinity is inevitable, and although the world has a lot of bad, the truth of the matter is to love yourself and others, to Forge a Fate for a Sanguine Future.
What else should I do I wonder, cleaning up this entire place would be the freshest and simplest start.
I know the path is clear, C.B.I H.Q needs to be cleaned first.
However, sitting here in my bed, now, 11:58, and feeling quite itchy, I yearn for the warmth of the sun and calmness of the forest.
The Forest is Quiet, and I would like to join.
Perhaps I'll strike a deal with Miss Victoria, to work on my room bit by bit, and then head to the park later for some fun.
I just want to sprint around it, and lay on the grass, and sit by the running water. One day, I will take a C.B.I expedition to the park and we will all have a good time.
If I go today though, how far will I wander? There is still so many discoveries left...and in my brain, they will never run out ever! One must keep that semblance of childlike wonder and love for life to thrive in my opinion. This doesn't work for everyone of course, but for me, I love every beauty of this world and can even cry at something as simple at an apple sitting on a shelf. Only because, it took some sort of long journey to get there maybe.
But yeah, I want to study each of the park trails in more detail and jot down my findings in the C/B/I field book, that sounds like fun hehe. There is one exit I haven't fully explored despite all the time, and the more northern side of the park warrants exploration, so I will check there too, then, after a long day of play, I may get a nice snack somewhere. Afterall I am a dog and a cat, I need my rest and my playtime.
On that note, my digital camera needs to be charged and I should start getting ready I think, and put together some of my field gear, the shovel, knives, sample pouches, etc. This reminds me, I need microscope slides for my microscope, from whatever samples I pick up on my journey.
I want someone to come with me on my fun little journeys like this someday, but I am very energetic and do love running around super fast and jumping from place to place, so I understand that not many people have the energy or want to keep up with that, but that's okay as well, I would be sure they're accommodated nicely!
It also isn't that good to disturb certain natural environments so be careful out there meow.
One thing I also do know I need is a good field bag...a new one, my current backpack is stuffed with C.B.I equipment and aptitude tests so...meow...I could just take them out but...meow, let's find a different bag.