An Accidental Deep Dive into an Endless Lake
I've been planning to write a large blog post about the Cybersecurity convention I went to recently along with my recent accomplishments...MEOWEVER.
Right before I joined an important meeting today about emerging technology in cybersecurity, I signed into teams for a brief moment, considering that the cybersecurity group I am the VP of was considering using teams or zoom for monthly meetings. Nonetheless...I logged in using my main email, as in the one I made several years ago.
This is where something peculiar would happen...
It's not my work email, but it was one I already made...from a long buried crypt.
I used to live on Skype, I used to live on the internet. I used to be used by the internet. A part of me, several parts of me, all of me, online and not. It's...so much more than that. So, so much more. I thought that by letting things happen to me, I was protecting others from such awful people, and in a way, I did, for a time. It does hurt often still, with how I think back to what was done to me, how it was done, and the disintegration of thought which built a separate me back then.
People always said I was braver than everyone else where I grew up, that with how much I fought to set a precedent for others. I took the brunt of a lot, always, and I am glad I did, even if it hurt me.
I choose to write about this because I felt like a caver a thousand years in the future. I opened up a relic, like finding a lake of tar in a cave; miles of sediment forever.
It may be ironic why I choose to show my face so brazenly on my blog then, but I have my reasons, very specific ones. It may seem contrary to my career, but again, I hold my own reasons!
As to what I was saying...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stumbled into a lake; a crypt; a crime scene?
Skype had been converted to Teams, I knew that, but what I didn't expect was to stumble upon...so much, so many conversations from back then. It was all there, archived.
Of course, curiosity got to me, it was only natural.
I had to remember, because I never forget.
2017
I peeled past the tape, deep into a place I thought I'd never see again. Of course, those conversations were preserved. I was floating through a crime scene so I didn't have much in interaction, but I saw everything.
I saw fragments of a lake from a long long time ago. On that lake, there was a marsh. And just past that marsh, was the hot, sweltering sun.
It was January, but no, it was also Summer too.
That was the literal lake, but the title of course refers to what I found, remnants of Skype logs.
There is no need to go into detail, but one can imagine what happened by the prose alone. I didn't go outside, so I lived on the internet. I didn't really have much parental support, so I lived on the internet. I didn't know how to feel anything, so I lived on the internet, outside of myself, glossy eyed.
I did love to go outside though, if only to go and sit by myself by a tree, a bench, or an open field, and to stare up at the sky, or keep my eyes firmly affixed to the ground.
Still, this is yet another blog where I remember my promise.
I made a promise to myself I've yet to fulfill.
Maybe next year...
It was a shock to my system for sure...seeing all of that again, but a good shock.
becuz I'm here now, I'm breathing, I'm still here...I can still go outside...still live...
And I will keep living.
I think after seeing all of this again, I need to go on a nice nighttime bike ride. I don't need a direction, I just need the idea of an autumn breeze to one more carry me far away from here, hehe.
It won't ever be enough, but I can make it enough for now. I've been waiting my whole life, I can keep waiting.
It just really hit me though...seeing remnants like that and the deep dive which ensued. I wouldn't say it made me feel bad or entirely sick, but I did start hyperventilating and shaking a little bit. Nothing to be scared of, my body was airing out what my past was like! I always keep fighting and everyone else should too!
I make some of these posts non-discoverable because I don't want to just air them out completely via SEO or the blog post list. I like to keep this place like a sanctuary. I should also not be lazy and finish the rest of the CSS but...I'm a busy busy girl!
I'm a baseball shark! which uhm, that means I am pretty busy...okay no I have actual work to do >o<
Take care of yourselves!
- Victoria