A minor update for the upcoming war effort
I missed a blog I meant to post ten days ago, I'll post that one soon.
This is just a little update! Everything is going to be okay, take care of yourselves!! Also, do pardon this blog may be a bit more on the "confusing" side in a way, but it is another way for me to air out my emotions and sort them out. They may sound a bit raw and unfiltered, and a bit weird, and I don't believe in just idly sharing traumas and other shit without meaning, so as always...please hang in there everyone. I promise there is always a tomorrow, always a sunrise, sunset...always a bike path to tread down, always thick, dark green trees by the seaside to love, always life to love, even in death.
Hang in there! <3 (and don't read if you don't want to...mentions of uhm, I don't know really, everything? take care! This may sound sad as of late, but it's always about turning it back around to positivity!)
Very very soon I will be in Philly with a boatload of cash to spend to my heart's content, if I see it as fit. I've saved up quite a bit of expendables.
I will hopefully engorge myself on the lovely wonders of city parks, of hidden restaurants, of the best and worst of everything. I want to spend my time doing whatever I can to keep living, I want to breath, and I want to scream.
I want to see art museums and I don't want to be here anymore, I hate being here with him.
I want to see adventure aquarium and neighboring states, national parks, secluded spots, long and not so forgotten places.
Most of all I don't want to do any of this alone anymore...I've purposely secluded myself for long enough, I still hate it when people get close to me, actually get close to me. It turns into this sense of vile betrayal at times. I laugh a lot, but as with any traumatized individual from childhood, I can't stop myself and people think I find the situation funny, or I am enjoying myself when I'm not. I can't blame anyone, and I never will, but it really really hurts...
I've made a handful of genuine connections, but still, I can't quite get rid of any of that static that encourages mutilation. ...uhm...fear not! This is a metaphor! >_<
Besides the point...I have resigned myself to a throbbing headache every time I come home. I...don't want to do this, I can't keep doing this, I just want to get out of here. I never give up, I can't and I promise I won't, as I will always remain stalwart.
I just don't want to live with him, I don't mind if I'm still in Florida for a while, I keep saying this, repeating it, but, it hurts, my eyes hurt.
Most of all...no, actually, I'm tired of this.
I'm tired...and I'm tired, and I'm.....so full of hope, forever, but tired.
This existence is so at odds with who I am now, and it's sickening, but it goes to show I have changed so much for the better. Why would I sit and wait in idle resignation and mask? It always goes beyond masking, it isn't masking, it's like...the entire concept of being two people, but it goes beyond a mask, everyone could call it a trauma shield, and clearly to many, my actions betray my thoughts, but I can't blame them, nor myself. I hate putting on this act, this constant play, I loathe it..I am so reluctant to just up and move because deep down I am always hoping one day someone who fully entirely understands that experience will be the person I move in with. I block so many people because of their disgusting propensities for wanting something. Well, it is natural, and I also don't actually find these people disgusting, but I feel that way.
I will keep biding my time, but if I am to continue to grow I must get out of here, to fight this war effort. To truly take care of myself, I cannot keep living here for personal and professional growth. Dad, I'm sorry.
I don't like this, I don't want to EVER live with anyone who practically forces me into this state, who doesn't have an idea, an idea of anything, of how false it all is. I sit there and continue the part, and I have asked myself forever, for years, "how the hell doesn't anyone see through this?" It's as obvious as day....to me at least.
Of course, to others, it most certainly isn't. My dad however is a special case.
I have talked with him, tried various methods over the years, but they do not work. I will always hold him in my heart, and always wish him the best, but I cannot do this. It simply isn't right to not even exist, and this isn't existing...?
I ask myself why why why? Am I being so harsh...? to him? to me? I....just want to sit by the water and hear the breeze. I want to be unburdened by the act. I gave up that act for pretty much everyone and everything at the start of 2024, but my dad I have not been able to shake because of...many...many reasons. I hate it though, I hate the constant poking into my business, I hate it, I want to be an individual, I want the right to exist, I have that right, so why am I stating such blatant untruths?
I'm scared....I really....no, I can't say the rest. It's not right.
I want to say the rest so badly, but in fear of doing so will cause a lot more harm than good. I can always start over again, which is okay.
It was always a stupid litmus test and "you" passed it with such flying colors that I knew I would do everything in my power to always enrich myself in my own values alongside the others.
Eyes....heavy....I want someone to lull me to sleep again, but the more I'm around my dad still, the more I am at a threat of being split, ugh. Stupid.
I shouldn't be this way, but I love having to act professionally in a work place, in balancing professional and personal, but with people like my dad, it's goes way beyond that, it's not fun, it's not healthy, it's just sad, for the both of us. Not just my dad, but those from my past as well, friends, etc. We were all kids then though sooo,, doesn't really apply.
Now though? Now...nownownnonwonownonwonwononwonwonnow...NOW.
IT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
And still...Philadelphia, it's not a put all my eggs in one basket kind of deal, more as another goal to work towards and realize.
I want to reiterate, I can't ever bring myself to hate him, but I keep saying I do...I just hate it...it's not like I haven't tried to stop the record from playing, to quit that act, it's also a natural response I've built up over many years of not so savory people, of abusers, and of...a lot.
Still, even with the weight of everything and recognizing the truth, it's just not healthy for him to keep going like this, but for me, too.
Using his own kid the way he does, it isn't right. I've lived with him for so long now I thought I'd somehow get used to the antics or see him get better, but me leaving will probably be the best/worst catalyst for him to truly change, or so I hope.
/CUT!/ New clothes, fresh blood, new body, fresh water; clean clean ocean. /CUT!BACK!/
Okay...I've talked a lot about this again...I feel a bit bad as always, but I am standing up for myself, for what's right and what's wrong as always. This, is quite wrong. I again don't mind sleeping alone, but in a house with someone I feel so ritualistically uncomfortable around, it is different. I wish I could feel better around him but ahh...no, he's disgusting, he's horribly racist, he's rotten, he makes me feel sick, and he's my dad...........
I am entirely allowed to say all of these, everything, and so much worse if I wanted to right now, it makes my blood boil.
But just endlessly prattling about these matters gets no one anywhere...I'm taking huge actions in this war effort just by going to Philadelphia for a spell.
It took some convincing, but my mom understands about my dad too.
I love my three little brothers, I treat them like my kids, they kind of are, I love them a lot, and I do love my mom. The impetus for this was always a natural inclination to not let the abuse I went through happen again, but when those murders happened and everything else....it grew to another sense of protection. I do care a lot for my mom, but what happened, these past years...it isn't right.
I am my mother's daughter...I sound just like her at times, and we make the same mistakes. However, I am teaching her to not make those same mistakes even though she is my mom.
I have endless resolve, but I've been hurting extra lately because of that night I stormed out on my dad, no shoes, walked quite a bit, but I was glad my friend picked me up or else uber would have.
Oh and, that reminder of what it was like to be queer, that played a role in all of this too. I remember the taste of warm flesh, and although the experience with that person was less than stellar, it was a reminder...even if I blocked her on everything, she did house me for a day still which was helpful.
It's everything again, and I need to relax for a little.
Philadelphia, one day, most of all I just want someone to ride bikes with me there. New bridges were just constructed, no car of course, but I'd still have to have a car.
You know, recently I've been playing the new Kodaka and Uchikoshi game, Last Defense Academy, and it's pretty great. There was one route in particular that really resonated with me a lot, no spoilers, but I have to write a review for each route, the good and the bad, but it reminded me very much so of my silly little pipe dream of whenever I move out, of all my deepest fears and wishes.
Again, that specific dream does not ever have to come true, but one day I will get out of here, we all will. "get out of here," doesn't refer to a place when I say it, but a...frame of reference? It refers to the situation as a whole, not the actual location.
I promise everyone struggling that if they read this till the end, be not afraid, and do not fret. There is always hope, and life despite every ounce of darkness that may permeate the mental landscape.
Please, take care of yourself, I promise, for every platitude possible, there is always hope, and even if people who read this don't know me, but it's going to be okay. w
Philadelphia, I will be there soooooon.
- Victoria