2/12/2024, The Importance of Acceptance
It is 4:49 as of right now, good morning. This may be a long one, or a short one to be continued another time.
At the present, there exists an array of several challenges I face in the near future.
The weight of it all is undeniable, but this is now once more a reminder of the topic of this blog for myself, and maybe for others, "The Importance of Acceptance."
I have lived here for about 6 years now I believe, through what has felt like everything, good, bad, bitter, but mostly wistful/sanguine.
I've seen many come and go, turn around and then turn back again. Some have been lost to the waves, some went back from whence they came.
In the end, I am now at another crossroads, and will deal with the aftermath.
...
I have two requests I will make manifest within due time. The end goal of which is to accept and embrace the inherit cycles around it all, everything, every little thing.
/// Embers ///
So many dear and precious memories, the most important ones to some, ones that were awaiting their justified death on the other hand.
I put them all to peace, so they may rest easy, somewhere soft and quiet, as to not be disturbed.
I had loved them once, and even though truth existed amongst the many pages and scrawls on notebook paper, it has returned from its birthplace.
From the stirrings of my childhood, peering through happy, yet sad little eyes, I was affixed on the flames then, and again, and then, June 5th, 2023, I once more learned how much I felt at home by a nice bonfire. (is it the Dark Souls kicking in? hehe...) [Uhm Victoria I'm pretty sure you're on a nostalgic monologue right about meow, so chop back to it!]
As I was saying...
I burned three Polaroids then.
1 to mold my flesh.
1 to mold his flesh.
1 for a hopeful smile.
I was changed once more from then, and so began me trying to be as unmasked as possible. Even if, of course, most of the time I can come off as immensely strange and a wee bit off-putting...This was the path that has led me to the most happiness.
(embrace cringe is how I say it, although the term cringe has been used to a point its lost meaning, but then again this is kind of unneeded of me to go on a nerd rant about the etymology of the word cringe. :p)
The times where I masked to such a point that I lost sight of my own mind, the very concept of my "Selfhood," and me, that just made me a sad girl.
But, with the flames that day, and with memories of many a certain someone, on June 5th of 2023, I made that promise.
Of course I still need to mask when appropriate hehe, but it doesn't mean I can't have fun more often, be a little more free then I once was, back then when I felt somewhat like all was dulled and numb, but I didn't give in, dear.
And you know I never will.
I have a vision to uphold, and a path to tread, and along the way I can only hope I meet even more wonderful people whom all support each other.
On a separate note, once again I heeded the call of the cosmic windsong, and was drawn back to the crackling of a bonfire; the smell of ash.
It was then I had my memory box, brimming with an endless kaleidoscope of emotion, thoughts, feelings, words, what was left said, and unsaid.
I love my little memories, and the warmth of a good photo album, but, some things are best left reintegrated into the atmosphere, and thusly, I had followed through.
Some items were spared, but mostly, my thoughts carried through the wind once more, becoming another cosmic windsong.
And it was beautiful.
This is a letter to resplendent horizons and more picturesque sunsets...
and most of all, new beginnings.
Acceptance of the Future.
/// Four Corners; Think Again ///
This room I'm in now...the same one I've called home for about 6 years, it will be leaving soon, just as I intend to do all the same.
6 years is relatively not a long time, but for someone who moved often as a child, it can feel like forever.
I still remember how fast the move here was.
I didn't know how to process anything at the time, as I was just a shy kid with no real direction just yet, and with no true guidance per se.
For a while, this place has dwindled as a "home," that feeling gradually disappearing as I uncovered more about the city, its inhabitants, and the companies behind it. I may be seen as foolish, or naive for the love I once held for this town, and the little romanticized dreams I had of going from shop to shop...some of them came true, but mostly overtime I saw this town in a new light.
I want to love everything ever, but when it comes to a town such as this, it is difficult. The luster/light grew dimmer over time, as I saw what investors had in mind for the town. (I still won't forget this town though, one day I will write a love song for it, in memoriam.) [I am aware how dramatic this may sound as well, but I am open to explaining my thoughts on this matter, and any matters as a whole of course :o ]
What I remember most of all however, is this room, and how it has changed and been shaped over the years, through the cycles, acquaintances, all of it.
I remember the four corners of this room, and late night comforts of a YouTube video on my TV, whatever it may be. Typically I sleep in total darkness, with as little sensory input as possible, no light; just my fan and my mountain of pillows and stuffed animals.
But, of course, people leave their mark on our lives, and a certain few people, one above all, gave me a little soft spot for putting on a video to fall asleep too. It was always nice falling asleep next to him while the TV played, something I look on fondly. Whence the pilgrimage is over, whose to say this won't happen again? Only time can tell, after all, this company wasn't founded alone.
Now I look to the future, plans for my new place, bigger room, my own bathroom and closet, these are new experiences. I am not a scared girl. (contrary to that one blog entry I made...)
So soon, I will slowly get rid of what has gathered over time in prep for my new room, my new place, and a "fresh start."
The Acceptance of Home.
/// Coming Back Home Again ///
That act, and that name, will resonate once more.
A new day is dawning, and a new journey awaits.
I believe I'm rather spent for meow, it is 5:38, so I did get to express my inner sanctum and prose for a little bit.
It has been a pleasure.
As always, to anyone who reads this,
take care of yourself.
- 887